October 15, 2015
Recently, someone jokingly suggested that I might have bad luck. We were talking about health issues. I was kind of surprised at her assessment, not entirely, because she wasn't the first suggest it. It was more so that as l talked about what our family has been through and listed all the positive outcomes and I guess I don't see my circumstances as cumulating into bad luck, mainly because for one, I don't believe in luck, good or bad, because of my faith.
Life has got me down many a time, but hope in better days and believing that God walks this life with me keeps me from getting overwhelmed by the blues. We need rain to appreciate the sunshine. Sometimes it's easier to hear God's grand symphony amid the tumult of the storm because you're straining to hear it. As in anything and everything, it's all perspective. Cup half full/cup half empty. Sometimes I tend to think about the gravity that's keeping the liquid in the cup and the cup on the table. All things work together for good, right? Sometimes, though hindsight still seems blind and all I can say is God is God. Sometimes, heaven only knows the "why" of it.
I have this to say. I am still here and I'll keep on keeping on as long as there is breath in me. Yes, life isn't a bed of roses as my grandma used to say to my mom and my mom would say to me. (Or maybe it kind of is. Roses are beautiful, but they have thorns. They aren't free of disease and pests. They can need a little soapy water to rid the aphids. They need to be pruned back and they need fertilizer (there's a more commonly used 4 letter word for that one) to grow more beautifully. Three times my life has been spared (and God only knows how many other times) and I am still here, continuing to step forward. It's been on my mind that perhaps I shouldn't be afraid to blog about my own struggles- a huge hurdle for me to cross for many reasons. Perhaps someone else will relate to me or find what I have to say helpful.
I am a cancer survivor. 17 years and counting remission from thyroid cancer. Something that I have been hesitating to post online for fear that one day a potential employer may read it and so not pass me over for a position in the great rat race world of working, but fear can make a person miss out on opportunities untold. (Another thing to write about another day.) I bear the scar on my neck proudly, it's a war wound of sorts and as my son would say a reminder that by God's grace I am still here.
My husband would say my experience with cancer is a point in time that I revert back to and rant about until his ears are numb. He would know. We were engaged when I got the diagnosis and he has walked through it with me. I admit I do get down about not getting the degree that I wanted. Cancer created a huge pivot point - it happened in university and changed the course of my life. Did I mention I don't have a dream career the younger driven me thought I would have? I am a different person. I have my moments where I feel like a huge failure. My life forked off in an entirely different direction. I am still struggling to find my normal, something I know I am definitely not alone in.
There are things I have had the chance to do because my life changed directions I may not have otherwise got to experience. I like to think I am a more compassionate person because of it. I cherish the moments I get with my family, hug them a little tighter and I definitely try to take time to smell the roses between the everyday trudge. My focus definitely shifted post cancer. Who knows whether I would have my two beautiful children if I had not passed through that crossroads? Had I not got sick, perhaps I would be nose deep in a stack of books, still engrossed in learning or tucked away in a lab somewhere working crazy hours all efforts honed in on one engrossing puzzle. I haven't lost my passion for study, developed more of a healthy balance. Being home with my kids gave me time to teach myself french so I could help my kids with their homework since they are both in french emersion.
I am thankful for the education that I did receive because when my son was in crisis at two days old, I was able to understand what was going. Our son, Cody, has long segment Hirschsprungs Disease, a congenital condition where parts of the intestinal tract didn't develop nerve cells, meaning simply his large intestine didn't work, long story short, he lives with no large intestine due to surgery. Another fork in the road of life. It's a messy and sometimes painful problem to live with, but he is here and he is a wonderfully creative, intelligent and kind-hearted kid. His life has been spared many times over. God orchestrated the circumstances that he got help when he needed it. It is the one time that I have thanked God for my high blood pressure.
During my first pregnancy, my blood pressure put me into the hospital on bed rest for two weeks before my little girl, Sydney, was born at 36 weeks. Later with my son, the blood pressure problems started around 12 weeks into the pregnancy. So the plan was for him to enter the world at 36 weeks. As usual with him, he didn't quite cooperate. Cody decided that he would come one day early.
Cody was a tiny little guy at 5lb.1/2 oz. but otherwise seemed ok. That was until he started projectile vomiting across the room. With my crazy blood pressure, I was in a rough state. The nurse looking after us that night offered to watch him for a while she did her charting so I could get some rest. It was while she had him that Cody's bowel perforated. It's worst case scenario as far as most babies are diagnosed before this happens and yet the nurse was there with him when it happened so Cody had help right away. I thank God for her. By the time she woke me, Cody was packed and ready to transfer to Hamilton with surgeons ready to operate on him.
With all that happened that night, people have asked if I blame anyone for not catching Cody's condition sooner. I don't. Hirschsprungs isn't common. I was told the hospital hadn't seen a case in many years. Doctors and nurses are people with a particular field of knowledge and experience doing the best they can at the job they do. And of course, people are just people, stuff happens, stuff gets missed. I am thankful for the people who have helped and are helping my son continue to live a healthy life.
In this day and age, we likely would have been sent home a few hours after his birth had I been well. Hirschsprungs is a condition that doesn't become evident until the baby is born and begins to eat. There was no sign there was anything wrong initially when Cody was born. He might have gone home and died in the night. Who knows? As I tell Cody, God wanted him to live. Those first few years with were no cake walk. Living without a large intestine has its challenges. There are so many other times I could mention where I have seen God at work in Cody's life.
Sometimes the stuff we go through sucks, but there is a greater good at work. The storms of life help forge who we are, help us be better people hopefully. But by the grace of God go I, one foot in front of the other, even though sometimes it doesn't seem like I'm moving forward.
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